I don't know what to do with my life.
I always want to learn the way how the ulama (religious scholar) learn. But I'm on a dilemma between whether to continue my study with all the mungkar's way of earning knowledge or stop and continue at the other place. It may seem not very important, but for me, its really important. For instance, if I graduate, with my haram degree qualification. With that qualification I get a job, and the wages that I wil get is also haram although the work that I do legal according to syariah. But nowdays, everything is about money. I cannot suddenly go other place and learn at that place for free
I remember how the beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessing be upon him) lost hope during his preaching to the people of Ta'if. Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessing be upon him) seat on numerous orchards and rested against the wall of a vineyard. At a time when the whole world seemed to have turned against him, Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessing be upon him) turned to his Lord and betook himself to prayer and the following touching words are still preserved as those through which his oppressed soul gave vent to its distress. He was weary and wounded but confident of the help of his Lord:
"O Allâh! To You alone I make complaint of my helplessness, the paucity of my resources and my insignificance before mankind. You are the most Merciful of the merciful s. You are the Lord of the helpless and the weak, O Lord of mine! Into whose hands would You abandon me: into the hands of an unsympathetic distant relative who would sullenly frown at me, or to the enemy who has been given control over my affairs? But if Your wrath does not fall on me, there is nothing for me to worry about."
"I seek protection in the light of Your Countenance, which illuminates the heavens and dispels darkness, and which controls all affairs in this world as well as in the Hereafter. May it never be that I should incur Your wrath, or that You should be wrathful to me. And there is no power nor resource, but Yours alone." [al-Raheeq al-Makhtum: Sirah Nabawiyyah saw, Saifur Rahman al-Mubarakpuri]
My Lord, to You only I seek help from all my problem. And only You have the better choice for my dilemmas. Please help me, please help me, O Allah....